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Wednesday, December 29, 2004

WHY SHOULD YOU KNOW DOUG FERRARI?








BECAUSE HE'S ONE OF THE FUNNIEST STANDUP COMICS IN THE BAY AREA.
AND HE TELLS THE TRUTH.


"FOUR MORE YEARS OF THE WRONG PRESIDENT"

By Doug Ferrari

It’s obvious from the vote fraud and the “irregularities” (nice euphemism for “they screwed us”) that Kerry won the electoral votes. But for now, it’s time to bring back all my Bush jokes. I voted for Kerry because everyone said they wanted a strong and courageous leader, and according to the Repugnicans, Kerry shot himself five times to win those medals. That takes courage. He put shrapnel up his own ass, and that takes guts, doesn’t it? Then he pussied out and quit the morning after the “election.” Don’t get me started on Kerry. I’m more mad at him than I am at Bush.

Bush “won” on God, gays, and guns. Also by saying the word “terror” one thousand times. Terror alerts always help during an election. Like they ever told us what to do when it turns orange --- wear a hat? The people who invented the terror alerts are the same ones who told all of us baby-boomers to get under our desks during air raid drills. “Duck and cover.” How was that supposed to work? Were we going to be protected by that layer of old gum?

Bush wants to bring Democracy to the whole world but couldn’t find the earth on a globe.

He and the religious right want to ban abortion because all human life is sacred to them… until it’s born. Then you’re on your own. “We cut the cord, now get a job, you little lazy bald bum. We have just the spot for you in our ‘all volunteer’ army ---‘no child left behind,’ remember?”

It’s ironic that Bush is against stem cell research, because it’s his last chance to get a brain. I blame Laura Bush. She’s a teacher. You’d think she would have gotten him Hooked On Phonics or something. Get him some flash cards. He doesn’t want us teaching evolution because he knows he didn’t quite make it all the way.

He’s not the main villain. We know it’s Dick Cheney who even looks like a James Bond villain. I bet there’s a piranha tank in his office. All the people who work for Bush are from the Nixon Administration and the Reagan Administration. I blame medical technology. These old fuckers should be dead by now. They must live off the blood of virgins and small children.

Not only is Bush the worst president in history, he’s the worst one on the environment. He has a bill to allow more pollution called the Clear Skies Act. Who cares how much poison is in it as long as it’s clear? He’s allowing logging of national forests and calls it the Healthy Forests Initiative. Sure, you can’t have a forest fire if all the friggin’ trees are gone. They said it would create “a natural, uncrowded environment.” The birds have so much more elbow room when they’re all sitting on the ground. I guess they’re going to level all the mountains and call that the Better View Bill. He says the jury is out on global warming. It’s sunny in San Francisco all year round now. Are you telling me something isn’t screwed up?

They also say they don’t believe in the hole in the ozone layer. Come on. We all know there’s a hole the size of Australia over the North Pole. I saw a National Geographic special --- the penguins had tan lines. They had sun block on their beaks. If they ever do admit to a problem, they’re probably going to try to take the rest of the ozone in the world and just comb it over the top.

All Bush’s projects have those bogus names. But, they actually do make sense: it’s equal and opposite implementation. “Help America Vote” --- we just saw what that meant. What keeps me up at night is “Restore the Constitution” --- can’t wait to see what Alberto “Abu Ghraib” Gonzalez will do with that one. Hope there's cable TV at Gitmo!

Bush hasn’t done anything right, but it doesn’t matter because all his zombies keep saying what a great success he is. Like the claim that we won the war in Iraq. Mission accomplished! The Iraqis are now free --- free to form an anti-Western Islamic theocracy. We’ve also freed 50,000 or 100,000 Iraqis from life on Earth.

What does Bush know about war? His father was a war hero. We know because CNN keeps running a special on him called, “A Flyboy’s Story.” They’re going to do one on Bush’s Vietnam years called “Full Dinner Jacket.”

You can’t have a religious war. It will never end. You can’t bomb a belief. There are good Muslims, and there are fanatic fundamentalist terrorist Muslims, and they’re winning because there are millions of young male Muslims who have never had a job, never seen a woman, and never been laid. They just get them together and say, like the Taliban did, “You can’t have alcohol. You can’t have television. You can’t have music. You can’t have photography. You can’t fly a kite, and if you ever get a wife, she has to dress like a beekeeper. Now, who wants to strap dynamite to themselves and die?” “Me first! Take me, please!!!” You take away my TV for three days, and I’ll blow myself up.

Congress just passed the new spending bill --- 3,000 pages that nobody read. Nice going. They’ve funded Mars research but couldn’t fund childcare for families trying to get off welfare. Maybe Bush is planning to send poor people to Mars. (What would you prefer, another four years of Bush or roughing it in outer space?)

I hope before Bush invades Iran, he invades the United States. Then WE can have health care, education, jobs, and free elections. Wouldn’t that be nice?

(This article first appeared on the cover of "Street Sheet," a publication of San Francisco Coalition on Homelessness. It is reprinted with the kind permission of Chance Martin, Editor, and writers/ comedians, Beth and Doug Ferrari. Catch Doug at the Marsh Upstairs on January 28, and in many clubs around the Bay Area.)